About My Healing

 

Hey, my name is Susanne and I tell this story because I'm grateful.                                        

It is my story about being angry with God, because he didn't stop my mom from forcing me to take piano lessons when I was 7 years old. This is my story about forgetting the possibility that there could be a God that would help me. The story that I was lonely and devastated when my best friend in middle school found a new best friend as replacement for me. My story about thinking that there has to be a solution somewhere, when I realized that I was afraid of nearly every person I knew. My story of when I got ill just after deciding to get over myself and try to have fun with being a teacher in a kindergarten.

It is my story about finding temporary solutions in various spiritual ideas and concepts, finding myself still afraid of practically everything. My story about me being unable to meditate, because my mind would always be full of thoughts and I just couldn't work out how to sit still for any longer, without having my bum or legs fall asleep.

My story about taking drugs. My first experience was very beautiful and happy. The next few times I did it, I wanted that same experience; which didn't happen! Then the last time I just smoked and smoked (cause I thought that I should finally reach this point again) but I ended up feeling very disgusting. In that moment I decided that smoking dope was not my solution, it brought me nowhere. And I really wanted an experience of something real.
 
My story about dancing...I loved dancing, because then I forgot all about everything and I had an experience. Looking back, I see that I had an experience of myself in God. Totally free, without any rules, totally creative and full of love. BUT….the next morning I woke up, finding myself back in my own little world again. That was not so happy anymore. I wanted some idea I could build my life on; that would help me to stay in that experience of happiness forever.        So finally I had a moment of total devastation when I saw, that all those New Age ideas were not working for me in my attempt of finding total freedom, peace and happiness. I didn't trust my ability to tell right from wrong anymore, doubted all my beliefs and everything that seemed to be certain in my life. All my solutions suddenly didn't seem certain at all anymore.

My story about looking at Jesus as the One who had what I wanted. But I didn't trust that his pure message was still written down somewhere so I could follow his instructions ...and be at home. My story about me meeting up with people who studied Jesus' teaching in the New Testament. This was refreshing and reassuring to me in my desire to have what Jesus found and represented to me. But the most important question for me was: HOW can I reach God?  Couldn't someone just give me a map and I follow it?!                                                          

My story about me being sure that if I would be in contact with God, my fears would disappear and I would find total peace and know what to do with my life. After I tried (without success) to find fascination in studying at the University and earning money with different jobs, having relationships that where just like everything else in my life: not working the way I thought it should be, being unable to help any of my family members with their problems, and finding myself unhappy, frustrated, bored and without a reasonable goal in my life, I realized that I needed real help here.                                                                                                           

I think this is about the time when a friend of my mom read a lesson from a book called " A Course In Miracles" to me. Whatever problem was on my mind at that moment, it disappeared and I found peace in my mind!!!! I guess that scared me so much (!) that I didn't even come near my mom’s friend for half a year. I finally met her again to get some travel tips 'cause I was going to find my freedom in traveling and getting to know different cultures. But she read another lesson to me. And it brought me again into an experience of peace. She also gave me a little booklet with the title "I am sustained by the love of God" and told me to read it at the beginning of every day and at the end and in between as often as needed. Those were the first 50 lessons of the mind training of "A Course in Miracles."                                                        

I tried that. In a moment of depression I read them and something happened in me. So I got myself A Course In Miracles book. From that moment on, I read in it every day and my experience was that everything I read no matter where I opened the book, felt true. I had no doubt in my mind that everything said was straightforward, without compromise and very promising!!! I read about love, forgiveness, atonement, that God’s will for me is perfect happiness and a lot of stuff that I didn't understand but I trusted in it, cause something inside me responded to that message. I GOT NEW HOPE !!!.                                                        

One day I had an idea out of nowhere, that I trusted without any doubt because it came to my mind with such a certainty that I was not used to. I was certain to trust and follow it. The idea was to give up my apartment in February (it was October) and to go somewhere. I made up all sorts of ideas about where to go, but that seemed not so important yet. A couple of weeks later I ended up traveling to
Germany with this same woman, who read the lessons to me. There I met people that did “A Course in Miracles”!...                                                                            

The first morning there when I walked into the room, everybody was standing together, music was playing and they all seemed to be happy. From the moment I first stood with them I knew that they are in an experience that was not unfamiliar to me and I knew: this is a true experience…I want it too…all the time…forever!  I GOT WHAT I ASKED FOR !!!!!                                                                                        

Here I met people that were certain that Jesus was the author of A Course In Miracles and in them his message was alive. They were in an healing experience of God. And I experienced happiness and freedom for these days like never before. I wanted to experience myself as God created me, and was not alone in this. When someone told me about a church in Wisconsin to which most of them belonged, I had an immediate experience of indescribable joy and in that same moment everything came together. I saw the whole picture. I would give up my apartment in February and go to Wisconsin. And I did it. Of course I didn't know yet what I got myself into, but Jesus had the plan and I was willing to follow.                                                                

So I started to do one lesson every day as I was told in the Course in Miracles. I wanted to be alive and free in my mind and experience peace. I found myself in the middle of a total transformation. I wanted to be a full-time Son of God. And I found that all my ideas come back to me to be healed. I found my contact to God, my Father and Creator. I found the power of prayer. I found freedom in being able to stand in situations that would have scared me to death before,  and instead experience the healing of myself.

I am eternally grateful for Jesus, A Course in Miracles and my brothers.

 

By Susanne

susannenblume@hotmail.com

Would you like to dialogue with any young people who have found peace through their relationship with God? Then log on to Exit Portal http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ExitPortal

Close Window