And for the first time he truly
relaxed in my arms. In that moment I knew he had surrendered and the
time had come. I considered whether I should call my Mother but I knew
this was for him and me. In a strange pact of love and forgiveness we
enacted this final drama of crucifixion together.
The whole room filled with light.
My father’s eyes became blue crystal with a clarity I had not seen for
years. I became aware of a presence at the foot of the bed, on which my
father was completely focused. I was forgotten in that moment of wonder
and awe as he watched and listened and then left his body. The body
took a couple of half hearted breaths and ceased to move. My heart
exploded in my breast with joy and gratitude. There is no death. The
sad shell of a body was discarded and forgotten. My father had embraced
Life.
My Course in Miracles lesson for
that day spoke to me ‘There is one life and that I share with God.
“What
seems to be the opposite of life is merely sleeping. When the mind
elects to be what it is not, and to assume an alien power which it does
not have, a foreign state it cannot enter, or a false condition not
within its Source, it merely seems to go to sleep a while. It dreams of
time; an interval in which what seems to happen never has occurred, the
changes wrought are substance less, and all events are nowhere. When
the mind awakes, it but continues as it always was.”
My father was free and so was I.
My darling mother followed him 17
months later. A strong intelligent woman, she found herself quite lost
without the physical presence she had made her life’s purpose to take
care of. She was aware of his continuing presence and tried to ‘soldier
on’ without his physical company but finally made a decision to leave
the body.
While visiting my sister, she was
taken ill and admitted to hospital. I traveled up to see her regularly
and postponed my intended travel plans. By the time she had a heart
attack as a reaction against drugs she was prescribed (four weeks
later); I had realized she was really serious about this ‘death thing’.
In the space of six weeks she went from a condition of robust physical
health to a coffin. A post mortem ascertained four causes of death.
For every symptom she presented and the doctors addressed, she produced
a new condition to replace it.
Once again, I received a phone
call. I did not sleep that night and drove up early the following
morning.
My mother looked frail and was in
some pain. I rubbed her feet and loved her. She was very tired. She
told me that she had seen my father and that he had reassured her that
all was well. A morphine drip was set up and my mother fell asleep for
12 hours. I stayed with her during that time as my sisters traveled to
be with us.
I had stayed ‘bright’ and focused
for that time, supporting my sisters until 7.00 the next morning when
total fatigue and devastation overcame me. I fell across my mother’s
bed and cried. “I love you so much Mummy and there is nothing I can
do”.
Instantly every thing changed; I
had finally asked for help. At that moment the nurses arrived to prepare
my mother for the day and my sister brought me breakfast and hot
coffee. I was immediately rejuvenated. By the time, I had washed and
freshened up, the nurses told us that we could go back in and that our
mother was awake.
As soon as I entered the room, I
saw my mother was indeed Awake.
She shone with a radiance I had
never witnessed in her before. In the knowing that comes from
grace, I understood she had had an encounter with reality and ‘returned’
to give us her love and blessing. Her eyes were vivid blue lasers
blazing light and love on her ‘four girls’. The room was crowded
with angels.
Standing at the end of the bed, I
could feel my father beside me. He placed his hand on mine in a gesture
though unseen was unmistakable. And though she was unable to speak my
mother communicated and beamed her love to each of us and we were all
caught up in the joy of her discovery. In retelling this story many
times, I have often used the analogy of a 1000 watt bulb blazing behind
a very old lampshade. A light so intense the body was barely visible.
And so she left. And there were no tears because there had been no
death.
Walking out of the hospital later
that morning, I felt her take her first breath in me. She was new born
and free. And she stayed with us in those early days, reassuring us
with her love, reassuring me in my decision to pursue only Truth.
Later that day, I had a quiet time
and turned to the Course at random. Talking of the gift of healing in
lesson 132, I read
“...some
see it suddenly on point of death, and rise to teach it. Others find
it in experience that is not of this world, which shows them the world
does not exist because what they behold must be the truth, and yet it
clearly contradicts the world.”
I have subsequently had experiences
which show me that even my ideas of ‘parents’ are not true but within
the drama of an impossible dream, I was given an experience of grace
from which I have never recovered. Nor should I wish to, I recall with
infinite gratitude and delight…
