Don't call it Aids

When I was diagnosed with HIV, I was shocked, ashamed and very afraid. I didn’t want to get sick and die. My physician declared to me, “Everyone dies within ten years”.

This unleashed a certain determination in me to find a solution. I said to my friends, “I might have HIV, but don’t call it AIDS”. I did everything I could to hold off what seemed inevitable until I could find a way out of it. I was in a hurry; my time was up.

I was living in Amsterdam and considered myself spiritually involved. For a couple of years I continued to ex
plore all the New Age healing ideas I could find to work on myself and heal my body of this virus. I did not have any physical symptoms, I felt fine, but I did know others with the disease and that made me feel desperate.

After four years of trying different methods, diets, herbal and vitamin pills, meditations and healing workshops, it dawned on me that I was seeking endlessly for something that seemed elusive and might not exist. The underlying feelings I had for myself were changing a bit; my self-esteem had risen, however I was always addressing superficial symptoms and knew in my heart that it wasn’t the real solution. I was just biding time.

Finally I came across some friends who taught from Jesus’ book, A Course in Miracles, and I could see that they had found a peace that was not of this world. I was then able to start hearing words like God and Jesus. These words had been far too emotionally loaded for me in the past. I knew that this Course in Miracles was the truth. I started to read and apply the course text and the workbook, and I learned the concept that there is nothing outside of my mind. But, I surely did not want to be responsible for everything appearing outside of me, especially for sickness. I had come to identify myself as someone who was well and coping; it was others that were ill and suffering. So, with that arrogant state of mind my worst wish came true. I got very sick. My breathing became labored; my body’s fragility was so apparent that I was unable to function in any normal way. And it got worse. People had to tend to my needs. I felt guilty that I could not get better. I felt that I had failed. I was at the end of me. I could not go on. It got so bad that I could only lie down. I felt helpless and futile.

...However, one day when I needed to go to the bathroom and I was not able to get off my bed, I had a remarkable experience--an angel was suddenly with me and was working through me. This angel lifted me in a way that made me feel weightless and I was able to get up and walk and then return to my bed. This was an initial experience in trusting and knowing there was a greater plan for me. It felt really nice to be in the presence of this being and I prayed for more. I was starting to pray, and my prayers were being answered right there in the midst of my defeat and humiliation
I found myself feeling glimmerings of peace, hope and joy.



Finally I was taken to the hospital. My doctors and family agreed that the situation in their eyes was hopeless. I personally had sunk to a place where I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings, or any of the goings on. But I felt absolutely safe in the hands of God. Bless my caregivers because I was nursed and looked after for twenty-two days in the intensive care unit, and ten of those days I needed a respirator to even breathe.  So it seemed that a new Friendship was now dawning on my mind. Something I could trust beyond my own ideas of what was happening.  

Many visitors came by to wish me well. Some prayed with me. I do not have a memory of what was happening in my physical sphere at this time.  However, my friends have described to me what they saw in me. They all said I was surrounded by light and that I looked incredibly peaceful.  My experience was that I was limitless, forever one with God and all creation. My body had disappeared. There was no form and there was no time.  The Course says: “When your body and your ego and your dreams are gone, you will know that you will last forever”.  This was not a concept for me anymore, but a true experience. 

My doctor came to visit after I had been on the respirator for a while.  He stood there for a moment, left and returned after a few minutes with his colleague, the one who had admitted me. They stood there in the doorway in amazement. The second doctor said that he hadn’t seen me since I was admitted, and he was so happy with what he saw. The light and healing were recognized by both of them and everyone who came to visit me.  He said, “Continue healing”.  

The healing of my body went very fast after that, and a few weeks later I was up and out again, as if nothing had happened, though I was changed forever. I am very grateful to all my friends who stood by me with their prayers and trust, for everyone’s underlying wish for my healing, and for my family and the doctors who saw the healing taking place. 

Looking back on it, thanks goes to my friends who share the same commitment with me for living the Course.  With their help I could let go of all my fearful ideas. They helped me open a place in my mind where I could receive...I had finally come to the point where by myself I couldn’t solve the problem. I had to ask for help. I had to surrender to a power greater than me, which seemed like death at the time. I had no more choice. I had no more options. In my total surrender to death, eternal life was given me.  Heaven, I found out, is here now and you do not have to die to get there. Moreover, and to my amazement, I discovered you simply cannot die to get there--Heaven IS eternal life beyond anything I thought was “life” before!   

I already knew all the concepts from A Course in Miracles, but now they have become my own experience. I am not a body, there is no death, and I really cannot separate myself from God. It is simply impossible. And when I find myself here identified with a body for a moment, the only thing left for me to do is to love and to forgive and to remember that I am not a body; that I am still as God created me. Every instant, I can make the choice between what I want to be: a body or not a body. Since God is my only Source, and since He is all encompassing, there actually is no choice at all. I am forever an effect of God, perfect, complete and whole. And so is everyone. We are already home in Heaven and we never really left. Thank You God. 


Your resurrection is your reawakening. I am the model for rebirth, but rebirth itself is merely the dawning on your mind of what is already in it. God placed it there Himself, and so it is true forever. I believed in it, and therefore accepted it as true for me. Help me teach your brothers in the name of the kingdom of God, but first believe that it is true for you, or you will teach amiss”. . Jesus in A Course in Miracles (T6-I-7)

Maria Indehemel




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