This is my effort to communicate something of my own personal experience of Atonement as it is referred to in A COURSE IN MIRACLES, and express any understanding that may be helpful, which in and of itself is thankfully and ultimately false.

Finally, after so much time and energy spent in a massive conceptual effort to maintain the charade of happiness, success and knowing something, I succumbed.  Nothing I could think of, nothing I could do could stop it now, it was too late.  I could find nothing to cling to, nothing to manufacture to make me feel safe.

I had slipped and fell and I was falling into an endless abyss of total darkness, the "God sized hole for a soul" I’d been warned about.  I lost the ability to defend myself and along with it any ability to attack.  Totally exposed!  This fall could have been for a second, a minute, an hour, or a lifetime.  I finally didn’t know anything that worked!  I couldn’t use anything that I’d known before, nothing in time, space or form worked!  I could suddenly see it was all part of an ingenious system of defense that now seemed ripped away.  There was no body, no world…not even a glimmer of light.

Worse yet, without a body, time and space did not exist, even death was not an option.  All that was left was the total incomprehensible, seemingly eternal, all-encompassing TERROR of being wholly unloving and hopelessly unlovable, of being despicably and ruthlessly unforgivable.  I was immeasurably empty and alone.  I was completely wrong, not only about everything I thought and did, but deeper still of my very existence.  I lost everything but my mind because I WAS a completely lost mind.

Into this sheer unbound horror of separation without form, a thought occurred from out of nowhere, " God, anything but this!"

The thought of God-inspired prayer, a cry for help.  I wanted out of the terror.  I truly meant to pray, "God please take me into you”, but the words came out as thought because I had no mouth to speak!  I said, "God please come into me", over and over again as if the faster I could say it the more it would be heard.  Just as the darkness became a total unending sphere of complete and utter despair, and my energy to even pray seemed gone, a tiny speck of Golden Light appeared.  As I turned to "see" it, this Golden Light had flooded, engulfed and filled me from all sides.  And separation disappeared; there was only an ever-flowing, never-changing Golden Light of pure peace.   No me, no senses, no world, just The Golden Light of complete unopposed peace and security.  And, there was no more terror.  From total terror, utter hopelessness, and being completely lost, suddenly there is only Light and Love!  And while this seemed to be a sequence of things coming together there was and is only one single totality, only eternal and infinite creative reality.  There is only Love!  And this Love expresses within itself as pure Light!  I found something similar to my experience described by Jesus his book, A Course In Miracles many years later in the Text:

 Chapter 21, Section 1:  The Forgotten Song, and

 Chapter 19, Section IV-B: The Second Obstacle to Peace

  Now for me individually, it didn’t occur exactly as Jesus describes it because I seemed to have accessed this experience of Golden Light from a more direct angle of descent, in the darkness of separation, rather than in the glorious ascending and arching memory of the light of Heaven.  Still, the universal experience is the same regardless of the approach.

And what’s happened since or before?  There are many instances of over-and-gone tendencies and memories of a separate individual experience, brought to mind for healing and forgiveness in which my brothers offer and assure my salvation, for which I am grateful.  These experiences sometimes seem very real at the time, but that is where an active application of A COURSE IN MIRACLES occurs, for here forgiveness and healing are needed! There are also many cosmic personal experiences of light and energy.  Yet, it is only healing that allows His remembrance and remembrance of my true Identity in Him that has any meaning!

While the Course is personal, the curriculum is ever and always only one:  God’s Son is whole and at home in His Father, extending eternally beyond any conception or perception of having left the Reality that He is.

My hope is that anything I’ve expressed here could be a helpful idea, or a reflection for someone to recognize their Self and enter into the experience of their own healing; to have a happy dream, without the need for terror like mine.  There is only Love, and so this is just another dose of meaningless concepts.  So be it!  I want only to be helpful, and whether you can see the truth reflected herein or the falsity of it, it's all good!  My salvation is that nothing I have ever done, said, wrote, or thought, has ever meant or will ever mean anything in Truth, which is why you and I are free...

By Morgan
New Mexico



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